12
Barrier breaking
The previous chapter taught you to read someone who is closed. This one teaches you to open them — and, more importantly, to recognise when the “opening” you are looking at is real and when it is only a skilful performance.
The fixed order
The move from closed to open runs in a sequence, and the sequence is the same everywhere. That is what makes it useful: any departure from the sequence carries information.
The most important diagnostic consequence in this chapter
If you see the arms open before the legs — the sequence reversed — then it is deliberate opening, not real opening. You are looking at Cell C, not Cell A. That person has just decided to look more open, and the decision started with the part they know you are watching.
This is one of the few places in the set where you have an almost binary test. Use it. When someone suddenly “opens up” in the middle of a negotiation, look down before you celebrate.
Seven ways to break a barrier
The general principle behind all of it: you do not persuade a crossed arm. You have to make it impossible to keep crossed, and only then speak.
| Technique | How to do it | Why it works |
|---|---|---|
| Hand over an object | A pen, a book, a folder, a sample, a phone with a photo on it | Forces the arms to uncross and the body to lean forward. Two effects in one movement |
| Offer a drink | A cup of tea, a coffee, a bottle of water | Breaks the arms and makes crossed legs harder to hold |
| Ask them to take part | “Lean over and look at this for me” | Breaks even the leg-over-the-arm-of-the-chair posture — the hardest one to break |
| Open first | Lean forward, palms up: “I can see there is something you want to ask — what would you like to know?” then sit back and say nothing | Models openness, plus hands over the turn. The silence is the most important part |
| Ask a positive question | Ask how they feel, not what they think | Releases locked ankles about 42% of the time |
| Remove the table | Sit beside them rather than opposite | Works better than the positive question. It removes a free barrier that you are supplying |
| Chairs with armrests | Room design, not an on-the-spot technique | Physically prevents crossed arms — the arms have to go somewhere |
The order of the two jobs
There is a rule in sales and negotiation worth remembering, and it applies well beyond sales:
Do not rush to introduce a product or put forward any idea until you know why the prospect has their arms crossed.
Both halves of that sentence matter, and the second half is usually dropped. Break the posture first, persuade afterwards — correct. But before both of those comes: find out why. Because at least four very different reasons lead to the same crossed arms, and those four reasons demand four different responses.
They disagree with the content
Break the posture, then ask straight out: “Something is not right. What is it?” This is the easiest case, and it usually sits in Cell B.
They do not trust you
Breaking the posture solves nothing. You have to go back to rapport and baseline. See chapter 24.
They are worried about something else
Nothing to do with you at all. A neutral question will reveal it immediately, and you save yourself the whole session.
Cold room, armless chair, tight jacket
There is nothing to read. Remember the table distinguishing cold from defensive in chapter 05 before you do anything.
Using two-way causation ethically
Chapter 11 said it: posture does not only reflect an attitude, it creates one. That gives you a powerful tool, and a powerful tool needs a clear boundary.
Intervention — legitimate
You remove the things that are causing the closed state: the table, the objects on it, the wrong distance, your own defensive posture.
Result: the other person opens because there is no longer a reason to be closed. The information you get is better.
Forcing open — not legitimate
You use pressure, speed, or a power gap to force them to drop the barrier while the reason they built it is still fully in place.
Result: they end up in Cell C, or the pressure is pushed down to layer 3. The information you get is worse, and you do not know it.
A simple test: after the intervention, look at the order. If the legs opened first, you intervened correctly. If the arms opened first, you have just produced a performance.
When it will not break
There are times when no technique works, and recognising it early saves you a great deal of time. The signs:
- Figure-four leg cross with both hands clamped on the leg. This is the strongest closed posture in the lower body and it signals a decision already made. Do not ask for a decision here.
- Cell D holds through three consecutive scorings even after you have changed the topic and intervened. The pressure is not in this room.
- The barrier goes straight back up after you break it. The first break is an intervention; the third is force. Stop.
In all three cases the thing to do is the same: change the method, not the argument. Postpone, change the venue, change who does the talking, or move to a completely different channel. Persuading harder only deepens the thing you are trying to undo.
Chapter exercises
One. This week, use the hand-over-an-object technique three times. Record it: how long after they take the object does the lower body change? Usually before you get your next sentence out.
Two. Find a meeting where you are sitting opposite someone across a table. Move your chair to the corner position. Watch the first three minutes after the move.
Three. The next time someone “opens up” in a negotiation, look down first. Did the arms open first or the legs? Record the answer, and record how that negotiation ended too.
Chapter summary
- The unlocking sequence has six steps and always runs in one order: uncross the legs, let the top arm drop and show the palm now and then, move to a one-arm barrier, drop the cross entirely, and then one toe points towards you — that is acceptance.
- The legs open before the arms. The order is fixed because the least controlled part changes first: a real change of attitude starts from the bottom up.
- Arms opening before legs is the sequence reversed — deliberate opening, Cell C and not Cell A. This is one of the few places in the set with an almost binary test. When someone suddenly “opens up” in the middle of a negotiation, look down before you celebrate.
- You do not persuade a crossed arm. You have to make it impossible to keep crossed, and only then speak.
- Handing over an object is the cheapest and most discreet technique: one movement, two effects — it forces the arms to uncross and the body to lean forward. It does not look like a technique, and that is exactly its strength.
- Removing the table and sitting beside them rather than opposite works better than the positive question. The table is a free barrier that you are supplying to them.
- Opening first — lean forward, palms up, ask what they want to know, then sit back and say nothing — is the least effortful technique and the least used. The hard part is not the movement, it is bearing the gap until the other person fills it.
- Before you break the posture, find out why their arms are crossed. Four very different reasons: they disagree with the content — ask straight out · they do not trust you — breaking the posture solves nothing, you have to go back to rapport · they are worried about something else entirely, nothing to do with you — a neutral question will reveal it at once · the room is cold, the chair has no armrests, the jacket is tight — there is nothing to read.
- Intervention removes the thing causing the closed state. Forcing open uses pressure while the reason they built the barrier is still fully in place: the result is Cell C, or pressure pushed down to layer 3 — the information you get is worse, and you do not know it.
- The test after every intervention: look at the order. Legs first and you intervened correctly. Arms first and you have just produced a performance.
- The barrier goes straight back up after a break: the first break is an intervention, the third is force. Stop. All three signs of an unbreakable barrier lead to the same thing: change the method, not the argument.