24
First impressions and rapport
Step 4 is the step most often skipped in the whole procedure, and the most decisive one. Before it come four minutes that you can hardly ever recover if you get them wrong.
Four minutes
The opening sentences
Before the meeting, assess the kind of person the subject is most likely to respond well to, and build a presentation of yourself consistent with that judgement. That presentation has to be genuine — it has to match a real part of you — and it has to fit the needs and motives you inferred in chapter 23.
The first sentences you say need careful preparation, because they convey three things at once: who you are, the purpose of the meeting, and the possible outcomes. They set the tone for the whole of the rest of the interaction.
Nine ways to walk into a room
| # | Stage | What to do |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | The reception area | STAND, do not sit. The receptionist invites you to sit so as not to have to deal with you. Hands behind the back, a slow rocking of the body, or hands in the steeple position |
| 2 | How to walk in | Walk in without a trace of hesitation, holding your pace. People who lack confidence change speed and break stride slightly at the threshold — a very early and very visible signal |
| 3 | The approach | Whatever they are busy with — go straight over, confidently. Put your things down, shake hands, sit down at once. Quick steps, moderate speed, medium stride |
| 4 | The handshake | Palm vertical, matching their grip. Let the other person decide when to stop. Step round to the left side of a rectangular desk. Never shake hands across a desk. Use their name twice in the first fifteen seconds |
| 5 | Sitting down | If you are forced into a low chair facing them, angle the chair forty-five degrees. If the chair cannot be turned, turn your body |
| 6 | Where you are seated | Being invited to sit in the intimate zone is a positive sign. Do not sink into the sofa — if need be, sit upright on the edge of the seat |
| 7 | Gestures | Calm, self-possessed people use movements that are clear, simple and unhurried |
| 8 | Distance | Respect personal space — the need for it is greatest in the first few minutes |
| 9 | On the way out | Pack up unhurriedly, shake hands, turn. If the door was shut when you came in, close it on the way out. At the door, turn slowly and smile |
A regional difference worth knowing when working across cultures: Eastern Europeans tend to gesture from the elbow down; Southern Europeans use the whole arm and shoulder; the English and the Germans are almost motionless. These three levels tell you about the region, not about the level of interest.
Seven tactics for creating an advantage
- Stand for short meetings
Conversations held standing are far shorter, and whoever is standing in control is taken to have the higher status.
- Seat the other person with their back to the door
Use this only when you deliberately want to raise the pressure. Remember the cost set out in chapter 23.
- Steeple the fingers, hand below the chin
This posture draws the most notice. Splayed fingers, or the hand above the chin, carry less power.
- Keep the elbows out, or resting on the chair arms
Elbows tucked in against the body signal submission and fear.
- Use words that carry force
The tested list: discover · guarantee · love · proven · results · save · easy · health · money · new · safety — and most important of all, the pronoun that refers to the listener.
- Carry a slim case
A large, bulging case sends a message of overload and poor organisation, not of being busy.
- Watch the jacket button
Agreement rates are higher when the jacket is not buttoned. And if someone suddenly unbuttons their jacket in the middle of a meeting — they are opening up. That is one of the clearest moment-signals you will ever meet.
When you are kept waiting
If someone keeps you waiting more than twenty minutes, that shows either that they are badly organised or that this is a form of status contest.
The counter: always carry a book or some work. When they appear, let them speak first, then slowly lift your eyes from what you are doing, raise your head, greet them, and pack up with confidence. This restores the balance without a word being said about the wait.
Step 4 — Baseline and rapport, at the same time
This is where two apparently separate jobs turn out to be one. The first five to ten minutes, when you ask neutral questions whose answers you already know in order to record the eight baseline parameters, are at the same time the rapport-building phase. You lose time on neither.
The most memorable statement in the whole of Book Four
Building rapport is widely recognised as the single most important component of a successful interview.
Five concrete behaviours
Six active-listening skills
Encouraging
“Mm”, “yes”, a nod — see the three-plus-five nod technique, which is exactly this skill, quantified.
Paraphrasing
Say back what they have just said in your own words. It both confirms and checks that you have understood.
Summarising
Compress several minutes into a few sentences. It usually makes them add what was missing.
Mirroring
See chapter 20. This is the most strongly confirmed skill of the six.
Naming the emotion
“It sounds as though that annoyed you.” Surprisingly effective, and almost nobody does it.
Silence
The hardest of the six. See the box below.
Why silence is so powerful
A liar usually keeps talking until they have confirmation that the listener has accepted their version as the truth. If you look at them patiently, in silence, with the air of someone not yet convinced, they are likely to give away more — not in answer to any question, but to FILL THAT SILENCE.
The aim of all six skills comes down to one sentence: the subject talks, not you.
Five elicitation tactics
This is the method with quantified experimental evidence for getting information out of uncooperative sources — that is, in exactly the place where people usually assume pressure is required.
| # | Tactic | What it is | Which of their strategies it defeats |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The friendly approach | Create an atmosphere in which the source feels relaxed. Trust is predicted by three things: competence (understanding the source and understanding the subject matter), goodwill (seeing the person rather than the behaviour), integrity (being clear about rights and rules, even when that works against you) | Hostility, out-group identity |
| 2 | Not forcing information out | Tell a story instead of asking a question, in a way that invites the source to add detail or to correct you. Elicit information rather than demand it | The “work out what the questioner wants” strategy |
| 3 | The illusion of knowing everything | Open by saying that the source is unlikely to be able to add anything new, then tell a long, detailed story that shows you already have a firm grasp | The “say only what the questioner already knows” strategy |
| 4 | Confirm or deny | Do not ask a question — make a statement for the source to confirm or deny | The “say as little as possible” strategy |
| 5 | Playing down new information | When important information comes in, play it down as though it were unimportant or already known | Conceals what you are actually after |
Experimental results
| Finding | These five tactics | Direct questioning |
|---|---|---|
| Amount of NEW information obtained | Higher (in all three studies) | Lower |
| The source's own estimate of their contribution | UNDERESTIMATED — they think they said less than they did | Overestimated |
| The source works out what the questioner wants | Harder | Easier |
| With LESS cooperative sources | A HIGHER rate of new information | Lower |
| With more cooperative sources | Relatively lower | Higher |
The two findings most worth remembering
One. The method is relatively more effective precisely where things are hardest — with less cooperative sources. This is a direct empirical argument against using coercion on someone who is resisting.
Two. Sources underestimate how much they contributed — they do not feel that they have “given anything up”, so they do not turn defensive afterwards and do not retract. This is the important difference between information obtained by elicitation and information obtained by pressure.
Chapter exercises
One. Film the first fifteen seconds of yourself walking into a room. Watch it back with the sound off. Do you break stride at the threshold?
Two. Practise silence on its own: in five conversations, once the other person has finished, count silently to four before you speak. Record how many times they add something.
Three. In one meeting, replace a question with a statement — tactic number four. Compare the amount of information you get with what the equivalent question produced.
Chapter summary
- The first fifteen seconds decide almost everything. Someone who watches only the first fifteen seconds of a twenty-minute interview rates the subject almost identically to the interviewer who sat through the whole session.
- In the reception area, stand, do not sit. Entering the room, hold your pace — breaking stride at the threshold is the earliest and most visible signal there is.
- Shake hands palm vertical, matching their grip, let the other person decide when to stop, and use their name twice in the first fifteen seconds. Never shake hands across a desk.
- A low chair facing them: angle it forty-five degrees; if the chair cannot be turned, turn your body.
- To be perceived as authoritative: fewer gestures, better words. Regional gesture amplitude tells you about the region, not about the level of interest.
- Step 4 costs no extra time. The five to ten minutes of neutral questions used to record the eight baseline parameters are the rapport-building phase. One job, not two.
- Silence is the hardest of the six listening skills. A liar keeps talking until they see that you believe them. Look at them patiently, unconvinced — and they add more to fill the silence.
- Naming the emotion is surprisingly effective, and almost nobody does it.
- The five elicitation tactics obtain more new information than direct questioning, and are relatively more effective precisely where it is hardest — with LESS cooperative sources — a direct empirical argument against using coercion on someone who is resisting.
- Sources underestimate how much they contributed, so they do not turn defensive afterwards and do not retract. That is the difference between elicitation and pressure.
- The test of whether you are doing it right: if the other person feels that a method is being applied to them, the method has already failed.